Letters to Santa, 2008

Two years ago when I did my "Letters to Santa" column for my previous newspaper home with the Journal-Standard, my "request" from the current governor of Illinois was for leniency should he be indicted. This "letter" was omitte from the J-S, because I was informed by the editor at the time that the governor did not have any charges against him. I let him know at the time that he would. Fortunately, my new home newspaper, The Freeport Focus and Village Voices, are more progressive in their format and forward-thinking with their editoral board. This year's "Letters to Santa, 2008" came out yesterday, the same day that the same governor was arrested and removed from his home in handcuffs. We may be small town in comparison with the likes of the Chicago Tribune or Sun-Times, but state politics affect us as much as the rest of the state.

The following column appeared in the December 9, 2008 editions of The Freeport Focus and Village Voices:

Letters to Santa, 2008

By: Roland Tolliver

“One of the problems we have in this country is that too many adults believe in Santa Claus, and too many children don’t.” --Lee Lauer

Dear Santa,
Thank you for letting us fly to Washington, D.C. in our private jets to present our request to Congress for billions of taxpayers’ money. I know that put us on the naughty list, so we drove out in our hybrids the last time and it looks like they will give us some money this time. Does that mean we are now on the nice list?
Signed,
THE BIG (but getting smaller) THREE

Dear Not So Big Anymore Three,
Santa has been flying to his locations for years. Of course, it is my job to give, rather than receive, so people don’t complain about my flights. Besides, I don’t leave much of a carbon footprint, unless you count reindeer gas emissions! Ho! Ho!
P.S. Get your acts together or you’ll be getting the “Bridge Loans to Nowhere” in your stockings.

Dear Santa,
How is it I got away with murder, but now may be spending 15 years or more in prison for kidnapping for some sports memorabilia? Do you remember when I used to be a Hall of Fame running back? Doesn’t that count for anything? By the way, have you seen my other glove?
Insincerely,
O.J.

Dear One Glove,
You must not have remembered the story of Al Capone, did you? He got away with murder, but went to jail for tax evasion. One way or the other bad karma will catch up to you! As your friend and attorney once said, “If you did the crime, you must do the time.” Or was that on an episode of Seinfeld?

Dear Santa,
I refuse to admit that I am on the naughty list. I am a major political figure and do not deserve to be in “Club Fed”! I am an old guy with diabetes and miss eating at the fancy restaurants in Chicago where I dined regularly with major political donors and cronies. So, why am I still in prison? Could you spring a Presidential pardon for me under the Christmas tree this year?Unrepentantly yours,
George Ryan

Dear Father of the Bribe, George,
I’m not usually a vindictive Santa, but you deserve to stay right where you are. There are six children up in Heaven with the last name of Willis who will never see another Christmas with their parents. You at least are well “fed” (sorry, couldn’t help that one!) and have a place to sleep. I will send a personal letter to President Bush on behalf of those children to ask that he leave you where you are. Perhaps, we’ll have a few more Illinois politicians, maybe even another governor, joining you in the near future. Seems like Illinois governors have a propensity for ending up behind bars, don’t they?

Dear Santa,
We’d really like to attend classes without the threat of violence or disruptions in our schools. We know that most of the focus is on the high school, because of the number of incidences here, but we know that there have been problems at the junior high and other schools, as well. If it wouldn’t be too much to ask, do you think you could bring us a more peaceful 2009 school year, so that we can concentrate on getting an education and not have to worry about graffiti, fights, weapons, and threats?
Thank you, Santa.
Praying for Safe Schools,FHS Students and Parents

Dear FHS Students, Parents and Staff,
You may not know this, but Mrs. Claus and I, have been praying for you and other schools throughout the world. We know that prayer isn’t allowed in most schools, but in these trying times we could all use a few extra words with the “Big Man on Campus” for all of us. I can’t offer any guarantees, but consider those that are causing all of this trouble to be on the “naughty list” and know that they’ll get what is coming to them. In the meantime, keep studying and I’ll keep you all on my personal “honor roll!”

Sometimes letters are answered in mysterious ways. Yes, Governor Blagojevich, there is a Santa Claus, and he will be bringing you a lump of coal and an orange jumpsuit.