The Column That Was Edited

The following is the column that appeared in The Journal-Standard on Christmas Day, 2006. The letter to Santa from Governor Blagojevich was left out of the online and printed editions, as I was told that the editor didn't feel it was appropriate at the time because "no charges" had been filed against the governor. The editor is long gone, as is the subsequent one and many of the columnists, freelance writers and writers from that Christmas Day two years ago. I guess there is no room for political insight or prognostication in certain publications.

Dear Santa
by
Roland Tolliver

For somehow, not only at Christmas, but all the long year through, the joy that you give to others is the joy that comes back to you. —John Greenleaf Whittier

Merry Christmas Morning to You!
I have intercepted some letters that were directed to Santa, but due to the public figures involved in writing these, the letters were to be made available to all. So, here is a sampling...

Dear Santa Dude,
I always, like, loved to hear that Dorothy sing in "The Wizard of Oz," but my favorite character was that Scarecrow guy. It may be because I could, like, relate to him. So, Santa, could you, like, um, bring me a brain for Christmas?
Love,
Britney Spears

Dear Britney,
Why don’t you wait outside with Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay tonight? I’ll see if I can get a four-for-one special. Like, totally, cool, eh!
Love,
Santa Dude

Dear Santa,
I seem to have lost my way. I never should have listened to my friend Tony Rezko. It seems that I put my own power and greed ahead of the people that I was elected to serve. I was going to ask for forgiveness or maybe some way of making restitution, but what I really want is some more hair gel. Thanks.
Yours in Power,
Governor Rod

Dear Governor Rod,
I think that there are quite a few things you could use before I stuff your stocking with hair products. Maybe I could provide you with common sense, a calculator that tells you the real numbers and damage you are doing to your state, and what it means to raid the working people’s hard-earned money. Instead, I’ll just hold off the feds and that indictment for a while longer. Okay?
Wishing I Were the Prosecutor,
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really need your help. I have been in office for six years and now I’m really at an all-time low. The voters chose Democrats to lead both the Senate and the House of Representatives. My poll numbers are slipping lower than Jessica Simpson’s IQ and now Rummy has left me. Would you please give me a clue as to how we can end this mess in Iraq? Thank you.
Respectfully,
President George W. Bush

Dear Mr. President,
There are some things that even Santa has a hard time getting someone for Christmas. I hope that Mr. Gates (not Bill, but the other one, Robert) will aid you in this endeavor. Let’s face it, though, you can’t keep hiding your head in the sand. Our men and women deserve to know what the real plan is. They’re the ones stuck every day in the sands of Iraq. Mrs. Claus and I would like to see them come home safely. Our best to Laura and the twins. By the way, have they been naughty or nice this year?
Wondering Where the Answers Are,
Santa

Dear Mr. Claus,
Perhaps you have heard of me. I have written two best selling books. They loved me in New Hampshire and even in New York. I am gaining momentum with a capital "MO"! I am eloquent, suave and debonair with a flair for the spoken language. I may have made a mistake in doing real estate business with a Mr. Anthony Rezko, but I got a great deal on my mansion. Mr. Claus, sir, what I am most in need of, however, is having done something of substance in my political career, besides, become the golden child of the Democratic Party. Will you help me?
I Could Be Great in ‘08,
Senator Barack Obama

Dear Mr. Obama,
Thank you for writing. The elves have been very busy this year building platforms. Perhaps, they could help you when they’re done. It would be good to have a foundation of substance on which to build your campaign. Let’s see, you did try to make amends with Senator McCain from Arizona and you once visited that nice little town of Freeport in northwest Illinois. And you... and you... well, good luck on that, sir. I wish you the best in your quest, but be wary of Illinois politics. It not only makes for strange bedfellows, but they can turn on their own in a hurry. Say hi to Hillary if she’s still speaking to you.
In a Non-Partisan Way,
Santa

That’s all the space we have folks. May you and your families have a very Merry and Blessed Christmas Day! Till next year....