The following is the column that appeared in The Journal-Standard on Christmas Day, 2006. The letter to Santa from Governor Blagojevich was left out of the online and printed editions, as I was told that the editor didn't feel it was appropriate at the time because "no charges" had been filed against the governor. The editor is long gone, as is the subsequent one and many of the columnists, freelance writers and writers from that Christmas Day two years ago. I guess there is no room for political insight or prognostication in certain publications.
Dear Santa
by
Roland Tolliver
For somehow, not only at Christmas, but all the long year through, the joy that you give to others is the joy that comes back to you. —John Greenleaf Whittier
Merry Christmas Morning to You!
I have intercepted some letters that were directed to Santa, but due to the public figures involved in writing these, the letters were to be made available to all. So, here is a sampling...
Dear Santa Dude,
I always, like, loved to hear that Dorothy sing in "The Wizard of Oz," but my favorite character was that Scarecrow guy. It may be because I could, like, relate to him. So, Santa, could you, like, um, bring me a brain for Christmas?
Love,
Britney Spears
Dear Britney,
Why don’t you wait outside with Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay tonight? I’ll see if I can get a four-for-one special. Like, totally, cool, eh!
Love,
Santa Dude
Dear Santa,
I seem to have lost my way. I never should have listened to my friend Tony Rezko. It seems that I put my own power and greed ahead of the people that I was elected to serve. I was going to ask for forgiveness or maybe some way of making restitution, but what I really want is some more hair gel. Thanks.
Yours in Power,
Governor Rod
Dear Governor Rod,
I think that there are quite a few things you could use before I stuff your stocking with hair products. Maybe I could provide you with common sense, a calculator that tells you the real numbers and damage you are doing to your state, and what it means to raid the working people’s hard-earned money. Instead, I’ll just hold off the feds and that indictment for a while longer. Okay?
Wishing I Were the Prosecutor,
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really need your help. I have been in office for six years and now I’m really at an all-time low. The voters chose Democrats to lead both the Senate and the House of Representatives. My poll numbers are slipping lower than Jessica Simpson’s IQ and now Rummy has left me. Would you please give me a clue as to how we can end this mess in Iraq? Thank you.
Respectfully,
President George W. Bush
Dear Mr. President,
There are some things that even Santa has a hard time getting someone for Christmas. I hope that Mr. Gates (not Bill, but the other one, Robert) will aid you in this endeavor. Let’s face it, though, you can’t keep hiding your head in the sand. Our men and women deserve to know what the real plan is. They’re the ones stuck every day in the sands of Iraq. Mrs. Claus and I would like to see them come home safely. Our best to Laura and the twins. By the way, have they been naughty or nice this year?
Wondering Where the Answers Are,
Santa
Dear Mr. Claus,
Perhaps you have heard of me. I have written two best selling books. They loved me in New Hampshire and even in New York. I am gaining momentum with a capital "MO"! I am eloquent, suave and debonair with a flair for the spoken language. I may have made a mistake in doing real estate business with a Mr. Anthony Rezko, but I got a great deal on my mansion. Mr. Claus, sir, what I am most in need of, however, is having done something of substance in my political career, besides, become the golden child of the Democratic Party. Will you help me?
I Could Be Great in ‘08,
Senator Barack Obama
Dear Mr. Obama,
Thank you for writing. The elves have been very busy this year building platforms. Perhaps, they could help you when they’re done. It would be good to have a foundation of substance on which to build your campaign. Let’s see, you did try to make amends with Senator McCain from Arizona and you once visited that nice little town of Freeport in northwest Illinois. And you... and you... well, good luck on that, sir. I wish you the best in your quest, but be wary of Illinois politics. It not only makes for strange bedfellows, but they can turn on their own in a hurry. Say hi to Hillary if she’s still speaking to you.
In a Non-Partisan Way,
Santa
That’s all the space we have folks. May you and your families have a very Merry and Blessed Christmas Day! Till next year....
Showing posts with label Governor Blagojevich. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Governor Blagojevich. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Letters to Santa, 2008
Two years ago when I did my "Letters to Santa" column for my previous newspaper home with the Journal-Standard, my "request" from the current governor of Illinois was for leniency should he be indicted. This "letter" was omitte from the J-S, because I was informed by the editor at the time that the governor did not have any charges against him. I let him know at the time that he would. Fortunately, my new home newspaper, The Freeport Focus and Village Voices, are more progressive in their format and forward-thinking with their editoral board. This year's "Letters to Santa, 2008" came out yesterday, the same day that the same governor was arrested and removed from his home in handcuffs. We may be small town in comparison with the likes of the Chicago Tribune or Sun-Times, but state politics affect us as much as the rest of the state.
The following column appeared in the December 9, 2008 editions of The Freeport Focus and Village Voices:
Letters to Santa, 2008
By: Roland Tolliver
“One of the problems we have in this country is that too many adults believe in Santa Claus, and too many children don’t.” --Lee Lauer
Dear Santa,
Thank you for letting us fly to Washington, D.C. in our private jets to present our request to Congress for billions of taxpayers’ money. I know that put us on the naughty list, so we drove out in our hybrids the last time and it looks like they will give us some money this time. Does that mean we are now on the nice list?
Signed,
THE BIG (but getting smaller) THREE
Dear Not So Big Anymore Three,
Santa has been flying to his locations for years. Of course, it is my job to give, rather than receive, so people don’t complain about my flights. Besides, I don’t leave much of a carbon footprint, unless you count reindeer gas emissions! Ho! Ho!
P.S. Get your acts together or you’ll be getting the “Bridge Loans to Nowhere” in your stockings.
Dear Santa,
How is it I got away with murder, but now may be spending 15 years or more in prison for kidnapping for some sports memorabilia? Do you remember when I used to be a Hall of Fame running back? Doesn’t that count for anything? By the way, have you seen my other glove?
Insincerely,
O.J.
Dear One Glove,
You must not have remembered the story of Al Capone, did you? He got away with murder, but went to jail for tax evasion. One way or the other bad karma will catch up to you! As your friend and attorney once said, “If you did the crime, you must do the time.” Or was that on an episode of Seinfeld?
Dear Santa,
I refuse to admit that I am on the naughty list. I am a major political figure and do not deserve to be in “Club Fed”! I am an old guy with diabetes and miss eating at the fancy restaurants in Chicago where I dined regularly with major political donors and cronies. So, why am I still in prison? Could you spring a Presidential pardon for me under the Christmas tree this year?Unrepentantly yours,
George Ryan
Dear Father of the Bribe, George,
I’m not usually a vindictive Santa, but you deserve to stay right where you are. There are six children up in Heaven with the last name of Willis who will never see another Christmas with their parents. You at least are well “fed” (sorry, couldn’t help that one!) and have a place to sleep. I will send a personal letter to President Bush on behalf of those children to ask that he leave you where you are. Perhaps, we’ll have a few more Illinois politicians, maybe even another governor, joining you in the near future. Seems like Illinois governors have a propensity for ending up behind bars, don’t they?
Dear Santa,
We’d really like to attend classes without the threat of violence or disruptions in our schools. We know that most of the focus is on the high school, because of the number of incidences here, but we know that there have been problems at the junior high and other schools, as well. If it wouldn’t be too much to ask, do you think you could bring us a more peaceful 2009 school year, so that we can concentrate on getting an education and not have to worry about graffiti, fights, weapons, and threats?
Thank you, Santa.
Praying for Safe Schools,FHS Students and Parents
Dear FHS Students, Parents and Staff,
You may not know this, but Mrs. Claus and I, have been praying for you and other schools throughout the world. We know that prayer isn’t allowed in most schools, but in these trying times we could all use a few extra words with the “Big Man on Campus” for all of us. I can’t offer any guarantees, but consider those that are causing all of this trouble to be on the “naughty list” and know that they’ll get what is coming to them. In the meantime, keep studying and I’ll keep you all on my personal “honor roll!”
Sometimes letters are answered in mysterious ways. Yes, Governor Blagojevich, there is a Santa Claus, and he will be bringing you a lump of coal and an orange jumpsuit.
The following column appeared in the December 9, 2008 editions of The Freeport Focus and Village Voices:
Letters to Santa, 2008
By: Roland Tolliver
“One of the problems we have in this country is that too many adults believe in Santa Claus, and too many children don’t.” --Lee Lauer
Dear Santa,
Thank you for letting us fly to Washington, D.C. in our private jets to present our request to Congress for billions of taxpayers’ money. I know that put us on the naughty list, so we drove out in our hybrids the last time and it looks like they will give us some money this time. Does that mean we are now on the nice list?
Signed,
THE BIG (but getting smaller) THREE
Dear Not So Big Anymore Three,
Santa has been flying to his locations for years. Of course, it is my job to give, rather than receive, so people don’t complain about my flights. Besides, I don’t leave much of a carbon footprint, unless you count reindeer gas emissions! Ho! Ho!
P.S. Get your acts together or you’ll be getting the “Bridge Loans to Nowhere” in your stockings.
Dear Santa,
How is it I got away with murder, but now may be spending 15 years or more in prison for kidnapping for some sports memorabilia? Do you remember when I used to be a Hall of Fame running back? Doesn’t that count for anything? By the way, have you seen my other glove?
Insincerely,
O.J.
Dear One Glove,
You must not have remembered the story of Al Capone, did you? He got away with murder, but went to jail for tax evasion. One way or the other bad karma will catch up to you! As your friend and attorney once said, “If you did the crime, you must do the time.” Or was that on an episode of Seinfeld?
Dear Santa,
I refuse to admit that I am on the naughty list. I am a major political figure and do not deserve to be in “Club Fed”! I am an old guy with diabetes and miss eating at the fancy restaurants in Chicago where I dined regularly with major political donors and cronies. So, why am I still in prison? Could you spring a Presidential pardon for me under the Christmas tree this year?Unrepentantly yours,
George Ryan
Dear Father of the Bribe, George,
I’m not usually a vindictive Santa, but you deserve to stay right where you are. There are six children up in Heaven with the last name of Willis who will never see another Christmas with their parents. You at least are well “fed” (sorry, couldn’t help that one!) and have a place to sleep. I will send a personal letter to President Bush on behalf of those children to ask that he leave you where you are. Perhaps, we’ll have a few more Illinois politicians, maybe even another governor, joining you in the near future. Seems like Illinois governors have a propensity for ending up behind bars, don’t they?
Dear Santa,
We’d really like to attend classes without the threat of violence or disruptions in our schools. We know that most of the focus is on the high school, because of the number of incidences here, but we know that there have been problems at the junior high and other schools, as well. If it wouldn’t be too much to ask, do you think you could bring us a more peaceful 2009 school year, so that we can concentrate on getting an education and not have to worry about graffiti, fights, weapons, and threats?
Thank you, Santa.
Praying for Safe Schools,FHS Students and Parents
Dear FHS Students, Parents and Staff,
You may not know this, but Mrs. Claus and I, have been praying for you and other schools throughout the world. We know that prayer isn’t allowed in most schools, but in these trying times we could all use a few extra words with the “Big Man on Campus” for all of us. I can’t offer any guarantees, but consider those that are causing all of this trouble to be on the “naughty list” and know that they’ll get what is coming to them. In the meantime, keep studying and I’ll keep you all on my personal “honor roll!”
Sometimes letters are answered in mysterious ways. Yes, Governor Blagojevich, there is a Santa Claus, and he will be bringing you a lump of coal and an orange jumpsuit.
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