We've Got Questions

The Following Column appeared in The Freeport Focus on September 24, 2008:

We've Got Questions … Do They Have Answers?

By

Roland Tolliver

"In many ways what they've done is created a world for real presidential debates in which the candidates have an opportunity, to a larger audience, not to engage each other, but to give another version of their stump speech." --John Wells



We'll take the opportunity today to play moderator for this week's debate between the presidential candidates for the two major political parties. Our condolences to the obscure Party candidates, Cynthia McKinney, Bob Barr, Tom Millican, and Chuck Baldwin who were not invited, but they invite you to read their position papers on the major issues at their respective web sites, if you can find them. So, let's present the questions and maybe someday we'll be able to hear the "real" answers.

We flipped a coin and Senator Obama called heads. Yes, heads it is and Senator Obama has chosen to receive … the first question.

Moderator: Senator Obama, it is indeed an honor and a privilege to sit here "thisclose" to you. I love your campaign and all that you stand for, but as a non-biased news anchor, I am compelled to ask you some tough questions. Our first question is, "What is it like meeting Oprah? I mean, OMG, she is the one we all strive to be like."

Senator Obama: Well, Mr. Moderator, it is truly an honor to be here and we represent change that you can believe in. I met Oprah at church with Reverend Wright where I never heard anything about hating America or subjected my family to any such vitriol. We would meet for coffee and cookies and talk about shopping at the local Jewel.

Moderator: Thank you, Senator, for your insightful and awe-inspiring answer. What is your favorite cookie, by the way?

Senator Obama: White chocolate with macadamia nuts or a good oatmeal raisin.

Moderator: Thank you for being here, Senator McCain. Let's start with a simple question. "What can you tell us about Charles Keating and the problems that bedeviled the savings and loan industry?"

Senator McCain: Charles Keating. Charles Keating! You ask him about Oprah and cookies and I get Charles Keating. Did you know that I spent five and a half years as a POW in Hanoi? Why didn't you ask him about the $126, 349 he received from Fannie Mae in the past four years? His staff has consulted with the deposed chairman of this pseudo government organization and you ask me about the savings and loan industry? I am the real change agent here.

Moderator: Senator McCain, please just answer the questions. This isn't Fox. Keith Olberman and Chris Matthews wrote the questions, so you know they are fair. Senator Obama, how did you and Michelle meet? You are such a lovely couple and your girls are just adorable.

Senator Obama: Thank you, sir. Michelle and I were working at a Chicago law firm and she was my advisor. We went to see Spike Lee's "Do the Right Thing" on our first date. I told her she was the 'right thing' for me. Now we're a happy family and this campaign is like our third child.

Moderator: That is so sweet, Senator. Senator McCain, how do you account for not knowing how many houses you have?

Senator McCain: How did he meet Michelle? Did you know that they were married by Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who the Senator no longer acknowledges? How many houses do I have? Ask my esteemed colleague how he managed to have real estate shenanigans with Mr. Tony Rezko, who is now in jail awaiting trial for illegal campaign fundraising activities. How much money did he raise for the Senator?

Moderator: Senator McCain, you are not sticking with the topics, you have one more chance. Senator Obama, may I call you Barack?

Senator Obama: Yes, sir, you may.

Moderator: Thank you, Mr. Presiden…, I mean, Barack. My final question of the night for you is, "If you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be?"

Senator Obama: As I intuited in my book, "Dreams Of My Father", a New York Times bestseller, by the way, I would have liked to have gone to Kenya to meet my father, whom I never really knew. I was raised by my loving grandparents in Kansas and I'm just a small town kid at heart. Otherwise, I'd like to meet Osama bin Laden and say, 'shame on you' for what you did to this country and to tell him that he ruined my name, because people keep confusing his and mine, like Senator Kennedy when he introduced me to the Senate.

Moderator: Yes, a good tongue lashing ought to teach that bin Laden character that we mean business! Mister, I mean, Senator McCain, you have supported the war in Iraq since the beginning, while Senator Obama was against it, even though he wasn't actually in the Senate when it started. How do you justify America not just packing it up and calling it a day?

Senator McCain: He wants bin Laden to apologize? Get real, will you? Just like his friend William Ayers apologized? Ha! What kind of debate is this, anyways? You know darn well that I'll follow that terrorist to the gates of hell. I may be old enough to be my opponent's father, but I'm tougher than nails. I actually had to eat nails once when I was in Viet Nam. I needed the iron from the rust on them.

Moderator: That's enough, Senator McCain. I am going to turn this one over now to the pundits who will tell Americans what they think and how the people should think. They all believe that the typical American voter doesn't know how to think for themselves and they have a lot of airtime to fill. Bye, Barack. Are we still on for coffee tomorrow morning? Give my best to Michelle and the girls.

Heard off camera: Hey, you're still on the air! They'll think that we're supporting one candidate over the other. Turn off your mike, will ya?!