Two Week Update

It used to be that on Saturday Night Live the Weekend Update was just one of the best parts of the show. The past several years it has been the lone consistent bright spot. I feel like I am only getting to the sight about every two weeks for an update. Any readers out there may think that that is more than enough. Others may think that it too often. And a few of you may actually like to read more frequent updates.

The news recently caught my attention. Of course, I'm talking about the big news! The Runaway Bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, has called off her engagement to... what'shisname. I know, that's not as big of a deal as say Iran's nuke capabilities, or a new government in Iraq or even making English the national language, but hey! who could have seen it coming?!

Well, here is the text of the column that first appeared on May 5, 2005. I hope it brings some laughs and enjoyment.

The Runaway Bride from The Journal-Standard

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.
~~Joseph Addison, 1771

For the Love of Community sent forth our esteemed colleague and seeker of truth, Al Bebach, to obtain the first interview with "The Runaway Bride" ...no not Julia Roberts, but real-life runaway, Jennifer Wilbanks. As most of you have most likely read by now, Jennifer left the week of her wedding and called a few days later from New Mexico claiming she had been kidnapped. The following is a partial transcript of her first interview.

Al Bebach (A.B.): Jennifer, you were expecting 600 guests and had 14 bridesmaids. Are you sure you weren’t heading toward Roswell, New Mexico?

Jennifer Wilbanks: Excuse me. Where is Roswell?

A.B.: It’s in New Mexico, you know, where we keep all of the UFO’s and alien stuff. Anyways, what did your fiancé say when you told him the truth?

Jennifer: First, he asked me if I was okay. Then he said, what the #*!! were you thinking or something like that.

A.B.: What happened next?

Jennifer: I just started crying and told him I wanted to come home. I didn’t tell him at first. I said that I was abducted by a couple in their forties, who were driving a blue van, when I went out for a jog. How could I tell him that I ran away? What else could I do?

A.B.: Who else did you talk to?

Jennifer: Well, I called 911 to tell them that I had been released by the kidnappers. Of course, then I had to tell the police the truth. I told them that I needed some time alone. The pressure of the wedding was just too much.

A.B.: Let me get this straight. You expected over 600 wedding guests and had 14 bridesmaids and groomsmen. You caused more than 100 police officers to search for you in addition to hundreds of friends and relatives. I know you are stressed, but what about all of those people?

Jennifer: I wasn’t thinking straight. I just wanted to run away and hide. Unfortunately, I ran out of money and couldn’t call my dad and say, "Could you forward me a little more money so I can keep running away from all of this?" I mean, he had just offered a $100,000 reward for information about my whereabouts. Everyone in Duluth was so concerned for me.

A.B.: I thought you were from Georgia?

Jennifer: That is in Georgia.

A.B.: I thought it was in Minnesota?

Jennifer: Where’s Minnesota?

A.B.: Never mind. You realize that there are a lot of people that are pretty upset with you. Ryan Kelly down at the Park Café said that it was one of the most selfish and self-centered acts he had ever seen.

Jennifer: Aw, he’s just upset ‘cause he had rented a tux and he hardly ever gets out of the café. Everyone’ll get over it.

A.B.: When did you think about running away? Did you plan it out and think up the whole story?

Jennifer: No. I just put on my jogging clothes and went out for a run and well, I just kept running. I took a bus to Las Vegas and then it took me down to Albuquerque. Like I said, then I ran out of money.

A.B.: How is your fiancé taking all of this?

Jennifer: His name is John Mason and he has been very strong about it. Sure, he’s a little, okay a lot embarrassed, as are my parents and my friends and the wedding party and most of the town of Duluth, but I’m sure he still loves me.

A.B.: I’m sure he does. I know a friend whose wife left him waiting at the altar for 30 minutes, but he knew her family and figured she was right on time based on their history. He's a podiatrist and may have a prescription you can take for those "cold feet." Anyways, I should ask what’s a few days away and a concocted story about kidnapping and a blue van among loved ones and an entire nation? So, have you heard of counseling? You know, the pre-marriage kind, as well as the stress reduction kind. We had anxiety awareness last week with free screenings. Something you might want to consider.

Jennifer: We don’t do that kind of thing down here in Duluth, Georgia. We just run and hide or hide our feelings. What is that pre-marriage counseling stuff you were mentioning?

A.B.: Just something that people do when they actually want to focus more on the marriage than the wedding. You know, the plan is supposed to be that a couple plans to stay married for their lifetime together, not just spend all of their energy on the wedding day. It is only the first day of someone’s marriage. Now that you're in hot water, which should help your "cold feet", and may face charges for your actions, has your father given you any advice about how to handle this?

Jennifer: Well, he did say that if I ever again consider gettin’ married he had one word of advice for me.

A.B.: What was that?

Jennifer: He told me that I should think about "eloping."

May your wedding day be the worst day of your marriage. Father Mike Miles, stated at our wedding in June, 1984, which meant that may each day be better than the previous one. So far, I think he’s been right.

If we can offer any advise to Mr. Mason...there are plenty more fish in the sea and not all of them are suckers.